12.18.2009

I believe...

Today has been an odd day. So I am going to do something I don't usually do on this.
I am going to just write what I'm feeling.
That is a first.
Because I never tell anybody what I'm feeling, which is a little bit of a bad thing.

So first, I'm feeling nervous about what's to come. That means the party I'm supposed to be the highlight of, the play that I am the lead in, my grades in school, and the spring musical. I am also nervous about the big things like, if I get accepted to college, what college I will be going to, my career, what I'm planning to do with my life, who I'm going to be with for the rest of my life, the people I will meet, where I'll be living, and what the rest of my life holds ahead of me.

I feel disappointed in people. You think you know someone, especially since you've known each other for about five or six years. He helped me with my relationships, my family problems, practically everything and it seems that all of that doesn't matter because we don't talk anymore. I have been replaced. I lost one of my best friends. It's pretty unfortunate, really.
He is still invited to my party but it's clear he doesn't want to go. He was even a rose for the rose and candle ceremony, where eighteen of my closest make a speech about me. I am very sad that he no longer wants to be a part of my life in that way.

I seem to question a lot of things right now. What does life really mean? Will I just be one of those people that follow a schedule? Will my entire life be a schedule? Are people just going to keep telling me what to do? Take this class, be there at this time, buy this, don't do that. I don't want to be that person. I want to die knowing that I have lived my life to the fullest. Someone important to me taught me that very recently and I think I should listen to him. I think I'm questioning all of this because I have been listening to the Spring Awakening soundtrack.

I'm really excited. Especially because Christmas is in a few days. I'm also excited for my birthday party even though I'm going to be put on display for everyone to see. But I'm glad it's happening because I want people to see the real me. People from different parts of my life are going to be in one place and see how I am with everyone I love. I'm excited to see the fall play which shouldn't be called the fall play since it's in January. I have to cry in the show. That is really hard for me to do because I'm more comfortable doing comedy than drama. My sister is the one that excels in drama. I'm also just excited for the rest of my life. I want to see the world. I want to have an adventure and be happy. Is that too much to ask?

Hmm. I really want a burger right now.

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